You should be gone, beast

Be gone from me...

What if I just…wrote? Without agency or purpose? Who I am trying to impress? I’ve been asking myself these questions a lot but I can’t seem to make myself sit down at my computer to write. And then I got my nails done as if my brain was actively trying to keep me from typing because, as anyone who gets their nails done knows - it’s a fucking chore to type more than a sentence. But I’m not asking my brain for its opinion right now.

We’re bypassing the need for excuses and just doing the damn thing.

I keep saying that I feel trapped in my body. As if a separate entity other than myself is holding the key to my cell, laughing at me while it eats steak and I poke at gruel. In some ways, I think it’s true. The limitations my body has developed in the last few months is kind of astounding, but my brain is still active and is begging for me to be active with it. But I can’t. Not physically. At least, not the way I truly need.

I’m already paying a pretty big price for ignoring my symptoms.

In some ways I think I needed this time, even if it is a very, VERY discontented winter away from “normal” life. I’ve been able to do a lot of inner work that I didn’t even really know I needed. Stuff that was killing my soul and needed to be spiritually flushed out big time. Like…how my need for people pleasing kept me doing a job that was ripping my body apart - literally. Or…finally realizing how important it is for me to REALLY take care of my body, not just surface level bullshit; committing to the bit as it were. And probably the hardest of all - doing my damndest not to feel sorry for myself. Even though it would be entirely too easy to do that.

That’s the path of least resistance, though, right? And I think there’s a difference between grief over a difficult situation and a constant pity party. Lately, I’ve struggled with the need to throw a pity party for myself more than just grieving. But hey, I’m only human. It’s a work in progress and I’m new to the chronic pain gang, but I promise I’ll get the hang of it at some point. Do you ever get the hang of it? Or does it just evolve into your lifestyle and now it’s the new normal?

I think there’s also a Guilt Monster begging for my attention, too.

Bitch, you’re not the only one.

I know it’s not a competition but the more I talk about my pain, the more people I find that have the same or worse ailments and I know deep down that this is a chance for connection but fear rises up like the bile from my acid reflux into my throat and I…retreat. I’d rather isolate than reach out because I don’t want to be a burden on people who are also hurting. Or am I just that fucking stubborn? As if I know all the answers? Two things can be true at once, right?

I figured it out though: in order to be a part of a community, I have to let people in. And then trust them.

Holy shit. What a concept.

Obviously not every piece of information someone gives is worth following (i.e. someone suggesting I go on a five day water fast, yikes) but I know people personally that have been on this journey for far longer than me so it’s probably a smart idea to start listening. And reading. And stretching. All the things.

As I always say, I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going with any of this. But I appreciate you being a part of it and reading along. I just realized I have 24 followers the other day! WOW! Thank you so much! It means the world to know people are actually interested in what this trash goblin lady has to say. It’s definitely a big motivator to keep writing!