Freeform Writing Exercise #2

It’s been awhile since I did free form because I’m notorious for starting ideas and not continuing with them.

Like I have ADHD or something.

My brain feels like mush and I think there’s too much information in there. Or maybe I’ve taken on too many emotions from too many people and now I have no room to feel my own. I have a little bit of a savior complex, especially when it comes to people I love. Which in turn is selfish because if I’m wanting to help only to make myself feel better than it would be better to not help at all.

Right? RIGHT?!

But I genuinely DO want to help people. I love making my fellow humans feel seen and heard. As I was journaling this morning, I realized that my help is like opening the door for one person and then ten more people walk through. Most people would say that I just need to let go of the door. Well, I can’t slam the door in their face, that would be rude!

Okay, but…you’re tired. Really tired. Close the door, they’ll be okay.

Let’s break this down though. I’m going over the line of what I’m able to do on a pretty constant basis. Why is that? Because when the people pleasing and grand gestures of love are shoved to the side, we see the real problem at the core of it all: control. I want Person A to feel better, which will therefore make ME feel better and we can get back to having fun and feeling good and not feeling bad! Hooray!!

So, I go above and beyond to change their mood every time they get upset but I end up getting frustrated and sad and burning myself out whilst the illusion of control slips through my little fingers until I’m now the one needing help.

Round and round and round we go, where it stops, hell if I know.

So what do I do?

I keep making boundaries for myself but somehow I end up crossing over them with a single text message or agreement, like somehow the boundary I set up was merely a suggestion I could climb under. The hard, ugly truth at this very moment is that my need for control is stronger than my need to protect myself.

And I fucking hate it.

Unfortunately, it’s another one of my lovely trauma responses. Having been with partners or friends that emotionally punished me for having boundaries badly wired my ability to actually hold the line. Because if I did hold it, they could leave or stop loving me or ignore me or…

Abandonment wounds, am I right?

At the end of the day, though, I know that these boundaries are keeping me safe even if it hurts, but stepping through the Electrical Fence of Boundaries I set up hurts even more. It’s self betrayal at its highest form. Essentially I’m telling my intuition that I don’t trust myself and throwing myself on the puddle over and over and over is better for me in the long run.

No, you silly bitch, no it is not.

This is all part of the process to becoming my own sovereign entity. It’s messy and hard and I’m tired of this, Grandpa!!

The work is worth it though. I joke about “ignorance is bliss” but I would rather be awake in the world than continue to abide by the miscommunication and pain that plagues human existence. I guess I’m just trading one pain for another when you really look at it. But with that new, forward progress type of pain (a.k.a healing) comes a peace and understanding that I’ve never experienced in all my 35 years of life on this planet. I can go to bed at night knowing I did the best I could and that’s all anyone can ask.

Thanks for reading, you’re the best. 💖